E.T. phone home…

Losing a spouse is BIG. So big, I can’t even wrap my head around it yet. There are defined “stages of grief”, and most people do experience these. But they also say that everyone’s process through grief is unique. Here’s one version of my experience:

I call it “Alien Abduction”. You’re going along…about your day…living your life, some things are good, some things suck…then suddenly the rug is torn out from under you, and you are left flailing. It’s like you get yanked up into a maelstrom by your hair, and flung around like a rag doll. THEN! The aliens that grabbed you start probing in places you never knew you had, and drop you back down in fucking Kansas – naked – with no Starbucks (or husband) in sight. Internal wires are all tangled, things just don’t feel quite right. Somehow you walk home…(this, after having been partially lobotomized), you get dressed…and you go to work…day after day…never quite sure when the next emotional abduction will take place, trying to figure out what parts of “you” you still have, but all too aware of what you’ve lost.

Stronger Than Bone

“It looks so prehistoric…like elephant grass, or something. Why are you taking it out?”, my neighbor was admiring the tall ornamental grass I was furiously trying to dig out. I mumbled something about how this grass was actually a bully…squeezing out other plants and grasses with its “survival of the fittest” attitude and roots.

My husband had planted this grass; he loved ornamental grasses. And it was beautiful. It was at least 7 feet tall, and looked so elegant blowing in the wind. But it also seemed to triple in width every summer, was messy, crowding out the other plants, and almost impossible to cut down in the fall because the stalks were so thick. Last year my arms ended up full of jabs and scratches from its bamboo-like stalks and razor-sharp blades. Truthfully, this grass was just a pain in the ass, and I decided it had to go.

You’ve Gotta’ Start Somewhere

This blog is about life. And death. And loss. As experienced by me (obviously)….

I am not sure what my intention is, other than to try and get all the tangles out of my head, and into some other format…so that I can continue to “move forward”. The details of my story will probably come out bit by bit. That’s just how I am, not completely comfortable spilling my guts right up front, about things that are so personal, yet living in this modern world, and aware that sharing can help.

What I will tell you is, that last year, within the span of four months, I lost the two most important men in my life. My dad died in January 2012, followed unexpectedly by my sweet husband, 4 months later. My dad was 71, my husband was 39. They died of different causes, but I was present for each of their last breaths.

I know I have been deeply affected at my core, but I don’t know how yet.

A couple other things that might be worth mentioning:

• This blog won’t be an altar to the ones I’ve lost (because they were both private, and it’s too personal), but it will be an exploration of how their lives and deaths affected me.
• This blog will definitely contain cursing…and probably, also, incomplete thoughts…and total over-use of ellipses.
• I can’t promise that the posts are in any kind of “order”.
• I still have a sense of humor, though it might not be in everyone’s taste.
• There will be questions about “faith”, spirituality, and belief systems. I do not believe in God, but I do believe in “something”. (I am just not sure what that “something” is anymore.)
• All the illustrations are my own, and the photos were taken either by me or my husband, unless otherwise stated.