Miles away….

Dearest followers, many a post have I started, yet I can’t seem to finish any of them. Maybe because I like to tie my tales up in a bow, and at least attempt to bring a nice conclusion to my mind’s rumblings, er, ramblings – and these days I can’t seem to wrap anything up. I will be honest and admit that lately I prefer to play games like Candy Crush and Fairway Solitaire on my ipad, rather than complete an emotionally-driven thought. I play these games over and over and over.

It’s a self-protection mechanism, and an avoidance tactic. I recognize it for what it is. Because if there is one thing I have learned in this past year, it’s that my mind is extremely powerful. It rules the roost around here, and when it tells me it needs an escape, you better believe I listen. I know it might sound strange to keep separating my mind from the rest of my little old self, but I think some people tend to be ruled by emotion, some are ruled by their bodies and desires, and some of us are ruled by our minds. Like I said, in this house, the “noodle” is in charge.

Now, I’m not going to debate whether this is a good thing, or a bad thing. That’s a post for another time, it’s just an observation about what I have been doing, and why I haven’t been writing, and how my mind is trying to steer miles clear of the pain point coming my way, the unavoidable fact, that in one month, on May 28th, it will be one year since my husband died.

Me and my mind, we’re just not sure what to make of this. That much is clear.

I have been feeling pretty good. I recently attended a wonderful retreat for people who have lost a spouse. In addition to playing games on my ipad, I’ve also been gardening, re-seeding the lawn, taking the dog to the park. I’ve been “busy”, ya’ know? I haven’t been stirring the emotional pot. Am I in denial? I really don’t know. I have a month to go, my mind is starting to tire of games, my heart is getting restless, and reality is coming knocking. Many people say that the actual day isn’t as difficult as the build-up to the day. I say, TBD. TBD.

In the meantime, if any of you are so inclined, let me know which half-completed thought you’d like me to try and finish: the one about Uncle Jim’s Worm Farm, the one that references “The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat”, the one titled “Touch and Go”, or the most recent one about Parallel Paths…

Yeah, I know, everyone’s going to want to hear about the worm farm.

9 thoughts on “Miles away….

  1. While worms are always fascinating, I vote for Parrallel Paths….that sounds intriguing. I really do look forward to your posts and whatever you feel like writing is a gift to those of us who follow your posts. Your self-care is important; glad to read you are listening to your mind and heart as the one-year anniversary approaches. In my experience, the anticipation is worse than the actual day, but it is all quite surreal and achy.

  2. these are all very typical widow emotions and i agree the build up to the one year can be more scary than the actual day… once i got there i realized it was just another day and that i missed him like any other day

  3. i also vote for parallel paths. and for the record, i keep it slightly outdated/not quite old school with my distraction games of choice – words with friends and scramble with friends. usually while having some mindless tv on. do your thing! i feel apprehensive coming up on the year from diagnosis. i’ve been playing a lot of games.

  4. I’ll go with the trend and say Parallel Paths.

    I, too, find myself playing a lot of Solitaire. It’s mind numbing but I hate it when I realize how much time I’ve wasted do it. Whatever works, though, to keep us sane is okay. I just wish it would come without the guilt afterwards for me. LOL

  5. TBD indeed. I know this is your blog, but Monday is the anniversary of my husbands death at 53 after 5 1/2 years of marriage. I am so,afraid of the day. He died at 6:53pm. When the hospice nurse came that afternoon she said ” BP 50 over pap” and I said “what does that mean?” She said he is going to be gone in a few hours honey, stay close. Not that i planned on being anywhere than in the bed next to him as i had been for 7 days. I have no recollection of this but I was saving his phone to the hard drive this week and I apparently had taped his breathing for about 2 minutes that day. It is obviously the breathing of someone dying, but it oddly gave me great comfort hearing it. I have absolutely no recollection of recording it. I am so afraid of Monday. Anyway, just reaching out to someone who,gets it even though I don’t know you. I miss him so much. I know you do too. Your him. I am hoping for nothing more than just getting through the day. I have so much paperwork to do but I just look at it and shrug. And go back to,surfing stupid things on the web for hours and hours. But your site is not stupid, it is real.

    • Sending you a big hug. I’m so glad you shared this here. But so sorry for what you went through…and are going through. So, so sorry. Our experiences sound very similar. I don’t often think back to the actual day, and the final days, in hospice. It’s painful to do so. But I plan to go to hospice for the “anniversary” of his death. I need to. Do you have something planned for Monday? I’m wishing you some calmness, some peace as you approach this very significant day. xxx.

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