You’ve Gotta’ Start Somewhere

This blog is about life. And death. And loss. As experienced by me (obviously)….

I am not sure what my intention is, other than to try and get all the tangles out of my head, and into some other format…so that I can continue to “move forward”. The details of my story will probably come out bit by bit. That’s just how I am, not completely comfortable spilling my guts right up front, about things that are so personal, yet living in this modern world, and aware that sharing can help.

What I will tell you is, that last year, within the span of four months, I lost the two most significant men in my life. My dad died in January 2012, followed unexpectedly by my sweet husband, 4 months later. My dad was 71, my husband was 39. They died of different causes, but I was present for each of their last breaths.

I know I have been deeply affected at my core, but I don’t know how yet.

A couple other things that might be worth mentioning:

  • This blog won’t be an “altar” to the ones I’ve lost (because they were both private people, and it’s too personal), but it will be an exploration of how their lives and deaths affected me.
  • This blog will definitely contain cursing…and probably, also, incomplete thoughts, some rantings that are too long…and total over-use of ellipses.
  • I can’t promise that the posts are in any kind of “order”.
  • I still have a sense of humor, though it might not be in everyone’s taste.
  • There will be questions about “faith”, spirituality, and belief systems. I do not believe in God, but I do believe in “something”. (I am just not sure what that “something” is anymore.)
  • All the illustrations are my own, and the photos were taken either by me or my husband, unless otherwise stated.
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take two on turkey day. be forewarned.

last year I was kind of pissed about having to be grateful. after all, I was reeling from two very significant deaths.

this year I do feel grateful, for many things. for almost everything, actually. I give thanks every morning when I start my day. I give thanks before I go to sleep. I am much more present in every day.

but going into the in-your-face-family-packed holiday season as a widow who lost half her family still fucking sucks. it’s really painful.

make no wishbones about it.

what do I wish?

to fill the void. to make up for what I lost. I have this crazy urgency to cram my life full of turkey, ham, buttery rolls, creamy mashed potatoes loaded with cheese and garlic, pumpkin pie piled sky-high with fresh whipped cream. I want to grab the wine bottle and start guzzling so furiously that it splatters all over my face. choking down life, like a savage. like there’s no tomorrow.

because for me, there is no tomorrow.

yes. I have loose plans. I have hopes. but I’m not counting on tomorrow. I’m also not clinging to yesterday. I guess I’ve kind of “let go”.

but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel pain, or loneliness, or desire happiness. that doesn’t mean that I don’t wish for the stability and security I once had in love, in my family, in life. I want a thanksgiving that feels complete…

but this girl ain’t no turkey. this girl knows that one day, she will experience loss again. and that others around her who can’t even fathom the day, will also, one day experience the raw brutality of it. so in the meantime, I am stockpiling. slowly strengthening, slowly expanding as much as I can, right here, right now, to continue accepting the fullness of life. the whole fucking bird, the delicious fatty parts, and the jabby bones.

you know how it goes. pile up your plate. then take a breather. a nap. digest. watch a little football. let the stomach stretch out, then head back for seconds.

that’s what I’m going in for now. seconds. my second life…the one that contains the fullness of having had an amazing dad, the fullness of having had a wonderful husband, and the one that also contains the massive loss of those two people. My second life is more rich because it is more painful. Fuller because it is emptier. But I am living it, here and now.

And there is still room for dessert.

Amen.

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